Tuesday, February 2, 2010

My Baby...

My little Elan turns three today... 3. It's a big boy number. I want him to stay 2, and truth be told, he wants to stay 2, too! I told him this morning, "Happy Birthday! You're so big, and 3 years old today!" He responded with, "I don't want to be 3, I want to be 2." Well, okay... let's just pretend you're two forever...

Elan and I had a rough start. He was this perfect little bundle, born 3 weeks early on a very cold, snowy day. He was big enough (8 lbs. 11 oz., 24 in. long) and was a great eater. However, he never slept and he never stopped crying, unless I was holding him. He was attached to my hip or in a baby sling for the first year of his life.
Now, going a whole year with little sleep and lots of crying is enough to make anyone go completely mad. I had tried it all: chiropractic care, herbal medicine, reading books, Internet research, medicine, medical tests, and on and on... no one could figure out what the problem was with the little guy. Then, I had a nervous breakdown right after his first birthday. Seriously, I went off the deep end... I had lost it. I was ready to quit. I wanted to run away. I tried being patient, understanding and loving and it just wasn't enough. I had been defeated, and lost my spirit. I was in a dark place and I wasn't a good mother or a good wife at that time. I needed help.
My mom, she is a savior. She could see it, sense it, there was a problem and she knew it. She took Elan for a couple days to give me a break and try to sort through my anger and resentment toward him. Let me tell you, it took a lot longer than a few days, but it was a start. I talked to a metaphysical counselor and she really helped me understand Elan and where he was coming from. I got in touch with his spiritual side as well as my own. I took it one day at a time and things were looking a bit brighter...
I started talking to Elan like an adult. At night, when it was quiet and I was rocking him, I would tell him how much I loved him. I would assure him that he belonged in this family and it wouldn't be the same without him. I tried to help him understand that he was needed here, to be with me, and that sometimes change is hard. You see, I believe Elan was content in Heaven. He wasn't ready to come to us yet (from the spirit world) and he was mad. He was angry and afraid and feared abandonment. Once I learned and understood this, I became at ease and at peace with him and our relationship. From there, our bond grew stronger, and we became happy. He started sleeping, laughing, and we enjoyed our time together... we fell in love
Now, he is a normal mama's boy. All boy, but loves his mama. He'd rather go to Target with me than have a play date and he only wants me when he is hurt, sick, tired or just needs a cuddle. He is so sweet and three came so fast...

Yes, we had a rough start, but that time was so short (looking back), compared to all the wonderful years we have ahead. I have learned so much from my third born, sweet Elan. Happy birthday, I love you so much!

*I shared this story because there are so many moms out there that think they have to be perfect. Moms that think anger and depression are things to be ashamed of- they aren't. You just have to work through it in a way that works for you.


  1. OMG! he is just the cutest!!!!!!!!!!!!! great layouts :)


  2. Hi Amanda!! WOW...He is a cutie pie and I am sure SO WORTH the pain you went through! I was a sufferer of Postpartum Depression after all 3 of my babies...1 for a LONG time, and the other 2 only a week or 2. Although, it's not the same I too know what it s like to have sadness, etc during a time that should be one of the greatest times of life!! I praise god for your and Elan relationship!!!

    Hugs - LORi

  3. I LOVE Elan;) thanks for sharing...i had a HORRIBLE time after Caden was born w/post partum depression--leading to therapy, medication, etc...also its "funny" well not funny but you know what i mean because we call it my "dark place" when we talk about that time and what we were going through!

  4. Hi my super sweet friend! I love this post! You are such an amazing person! You are a super awesome mommy and God could not have put Elan in better hands :) Love our momma's boys! Talk soon!!! love- SJ

  5. Sister, you know I love him and you do too! happy happy birthday E!

  6. That was beautiful. Everyone should be lucky enough to have a mother like you. Thank you for sharing.

  7. Thank you Amanda for sharing this heartfelt life story! It does help, even though mine are 6 & 8 it's still trying and you wonder if you are going to make it! Thank you again! I remember the few times I saw you out with little Elan and you were so patient with him! You hung in there and are reaping the rewards! Love you girl!

  8. Amanda,
    What a wonderful post. A lesson to be learned by all mothers through all phases and stages of life...we are only human. It is so hard to admit that we feel defeated, but so important to share, we need to support each other as mothers, sisters, and daughters. To lift each other from depths that we think we will never personally experience. Kudos to you for having the insight and strength to get help. To look inward and know you couldn't do it alone, because, really, none of us can. It is the most blessed curse...motherhood.

  9. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story! I love happy endings.:-)

    Happy birthday Elan!

    (-: Heidi

  10. Happy birthday to Elan! What a wonderful post - thanks for sharing such a beautiful story!

  11. Very sweet layouts! Love the color combo in the first one.
    Enjoy the journey!!

  12. Lovely LO! You are brave to share your story! I'm glad it worked out well for you in the end! A lot of moms feel they need to be superheroes and sadly lose touch of the fact that they are only human! I too had problems coping when I had kids but it got better over the years, I learn how to become a mom, a role that I'm still learning as I go through life with my growing boys! All the best to you!


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