My Baby...

My little Elan turns three today... 3. It's a big boy number. I want him to stay 2, and truth be told, he wants to stay 2, too! I told him this morning, "Happy Birthday! You're so big, and 3 years old today!" He responded with, "I don't want to be 3, I want to be 2." Well, okay... let's just pretend you're two forever...

Elan and I had a rough start. He was this perfect little bundle, born 3 weeks early on a very cold, snowy day. He was big enough (8 lbs. 11 oz., 24 in. long) and was a great eater. However, he never slept and he never stopped crying, unless I was holding him. He was attached to my hip or in a baby sling for the first year of his life.

Now, going a whole year with little sleep and lots of crying is enough to make anyone go completely mad. I had tried it all: chiropractic care, herbal medicine, reading books, Internet research, medicine, medical tests, and on and on... no one could figure out what the problem was with the little guy. Then, I had a nervous breakdown right after his first birthday. Seriously, I went off the deep end... I had lost it. I was ready to quit. I wanted to run away. I tried being patient, understanding and loving and it just wasn't enough. I had been defeated, and lost my spirit. I was in a dark place and I wasn't a good mother or a good wife at that time. I needed help.

My mom, she is a savior. She could see it, sense it, there was a problem and she knew it. She took Elan for a couple days to give me a break and try to sort through my anger and resentment toward him. Let me tell you, it took a lot longer than a few days, but it was a start. I talked to a metaphysical counselor and she really helped me understand Elan and where he was coming from. I got in touch with his spiritual side as well as my own. I took it one day at a time and things were looking a bit brighter...

I started talking to Elan like an adult. At night, when it was quiet and I was rocking him, I would tell him how much I loved him. I would assure him that he belonged in this family and it wouldn't be the same without him. I tried to help him understand that he was needed here, to be with me, and that sometimes change is hard. You see, I believe Elan was content in Heaven. He wasn't ready to come to us yet (from the spirit world) and he was mad. He was angry and afraid and feared abandonment. Once I learned and understood this, I became at ease and at peace with him and our relationship. From there, our bond grew stronger, and we became happy. He started sleeping, laughing, and we enjoyed our time together... we fell in love
Now, he is a normal mama's boy. All boy, but loves his mama. He'd rather go to Target with me than have a play date and he only wants me when he is hurt, sick, tired or just needs a cuddle. He is so sweet and three came so fast...

Yes, we had a rough start, but that time was so short (looking back), compared to all the wonderful years we have ahead. I have learned so much from my third born, sweet Elan. Happy birthday, I love you so much!

*I shared this story because there are so many moms out there that think they have to be perfect. Moms that think anger and depression are things to be ashamed of- they aren't. You just have to work through it in a way that works for you.